There are always debates over what the absolute best Christmas movie is, but has anyone stopped to ponder what the absolute worst Christmas movie is? A shoo-in for this horrible honor would be the 1996 classic, “Santa with Muscles.” This movie has got it all, cringe-worthy fights, a nonexistent romance, and a plot so convoluted that it would make M. Night Shyamalan jealous.

This wreck of a film stars Hulk Hogan, who plays a rich jerk who gets amnesia after he falls down a trash shaft in the mall, and wakes up thinking he is Santa. Some schmuck named Lenny hangs around with him in an elf costume and tries stealing his credit card, but needs his fingerprint to get the ATM to work because that’s just how technologically advanced the 90’s were. Only 90’s kids remember.

Santa, along with Lenny, beat up two punks at the mall who were stealing money from an orphanage’s banquet only to find out that it’s about to close it’s doors for good. They show up at the children’s home right when some scientist is there with his goons trying to evict the residents for whatever reason. So to get the job done, The scientist’s goons destroy a statue in the courtyard by chaining it to their van they had disguised as an ice-cream truck, which shouldn’t have needed to be disguised because no one knows who the heck they are.

Fast-forward 40 seconds to when the bad guys were going to straight-up run over an orphanage worker to death, but luckily, Santa was there to stop the ice-cream truck in it’s tracks with his bare hands by grabbing the chains the truck was hauling. The orphans are so thankful that Santa with muscles helped, they invite him and his parasite of a friend, Lenny, to come to dinner and stay the night with these children. 1996 was a simpler time.

Watching this movie makes me no longer fear death. I would never recommend this movie to anyone, not even my greatest enemies, but don’t let that stop you from watching this absolute horror of a film. I give it a solid 2/10 because it’s such a great bad-movie. I would scratch my eyes out again.