Love stinks


Jakob Fisher dressed for his love story article. It was around 8 p.m. and he was dressed like that the whole day. ” I felt like a hipster all day so, I told people I joined a gang to make myself feel better,” said Fisher

Jakob Fisher, Editorial Cartoonist

It is that time year again and love is in the air. You might want to hold your breath for these ones though.


For your entertainment, I have gathered 12 love songs with something a little off about them. It could be the origin, the word choice, or even the overall message. (Though as a rule, I have excluded songs about sex because that ruins the whole aesthetic.) Now, in no particular order, let’s delve into this cheese platter.


“When you’re in love with a beautiful woman” by Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show

From the title this song sounds perfectly normal but the opening verse lures you in. What follows is a song detailing how you should watch out for your “friends” because everybody loves the beautiful woman you’re in love with. It’s pessimistic, bitter, but it always keeps a sound more akin to standard love songs. My favorite line of them all: “You know that it’s crazy, you want to trust her. Then somebody hangs up when you answer the phone.” It is an enjoyable song overall but I would like if it were a bit longer.


“Escape” by Rupert Holmes

Better known by its subtitle, “The Piña Colada Song,” “Escape” is a whirlwind of a love story. A man writes an answer to a personal ad in the newspaper wanting to leave his wife. Decides to meet a new woman at a restaurant where he discovers that it was his wife who had put out the ad and then they rekindle their love using the new things they learned through this experience. This one seems to be everywhere despite being released in 1979. That said, I’m not sure many people actually listen to the lyrics. Overall, it comes across as a cheeky, odd song.


“I would do anything for love (but I won’t do that)” by Meatloaf

This 11 minute song is dramatic, beautiful, and sprinkled with a good amount of cheese. Meatloaf yells this romantic ballad over an intricate piano piece portraying his feelings for a woman, claiming over and over again he would do anything for her love…but not that. What “that” is has been the topic of debate for years. According to Meatloaf himself, it’s said in the song at the end of each verse; like: “…never forget the way you feel right now.” Unlike most of the other songs on this list, this song won two Grammys. I love this song, the feel is just amazing.


“I’m gonna be (500 miles)” by The Proclaimers

Ever wanted someone to support you in your life? Someone who you want to give everything to and get it all back? These guys do. Saying if they get drunk, if they ramble nonsense, or if they dream, they want the person in question with them. If that is not cheesy enough for you, they sing, “Da da da,” in an echo after the refrain repeatedly and in a heavy Scottish accent. This song is a lot fun. I find myself singing along with every “da.”


“Layla” by Derek and The Dominos

Considered by many to be one of the best love songs ever written this song has everything going for it. The guitar riff alone is one of the most recognizable in music history. So, what makes it so weird? Written by Eric Clapton, a highly successful musician and proficient guitar player, it is a love song to Beatle, George Harrison’s then wife. Worse still is that they were friends at the time; and it worked! She divorced Harrison and married Clapton, but, gee, isn’t it a beautiful song?! I particularly like the whiney guitar. The piano is a nice touch. However, it gets old pretty fast, if you listen on repeat.


“The Warrior” by Scandal

Ah the 80s. Timelessly sappy. No song more fits the bill than “The Warrior”. Patty Smyth goes to town on the vocals, screaming her desire for love. To me any song that features, “bang bang,” as part of the lyrics and corresponding finger guns in the video is top-grade material. Shameless in its tone, I love this song. If you need a pick me up try singing along, it works every time.


“Tuff enuff” by The Fabulous Thunderbirds

If the title is not enough, this has a thick layer of cheese. Basically a song where a man is trying to make himself look good to an unknown woman. The highlights of the lyrics include, “I’d wrestle with a lion and a grizzly bear, put out a building with a shovel and dirt,” and “fight Muhammad Ali,” just to name a few. This has some of my favorite lyrics ever and leaves me beaming every time.


“She came in through the bathroom window” by The Beatles

The Beatles have some classic love songs in their song catalog. This is one of the lesser known ones. Telling the story of a dancer that comes through the titular window, the narrator then quits his job to support his new guest. What they don’t tell you is the song is actually about Paul McCartney’s wife. Before they were married or even knew each other, she found a ladder in the backyard and snuck in his bathroom window. Such a crazy story that could only happen in real life. Makes for a unique song.


“Beth” by KISS

Short, simple, beautiful, and oh so cheesy. This sounds nothing like any of KISS’s other music. Originally written by Peter Criss as “Beck,” it is a direct jab one of his friends from another band. Criss claims it was almost word for word real responses from the friend to his wife Becky which he then wrote down. It was changed to Beth later and made more sentimental. I think it is a perfectly nice song albeit cheesy and it is the only KISS song to have full orchestration. It stands out as a ballad for the ages.


“Love walks in” by Van Halen

This one is a doozy. Released on the “5150” album it is in good company when it comes to cheese. I chose this candidate above the others for one reason: Aliens. The refrain prominently mentions aliens which ups the cheese factor on its own. If you dig deep though, you can find that Sammy Hagar, the writer of the song, claims to have been contacted by beings from the ninth dimension three to four times. “The easiest way to put it is that they downloaded my brain information,” said Hagar. Even claiming he saw the future unfold before him and used it to become a rockstar. That to me makes it priceless.


“Fool in the rain” by Led Zeppelin

Even if it is never stated directly this is definitely a love song. In it, a man makes plans to meet a girl for a date on a street corner. He wrestles with his feelings of betrayal when she does not show up and he is left standing in the rain. Finally by the end of the song he realizes, he is on the wrong corner. So in effect, he is a fool in the rain and has to run to find her. Honestly, despite the story, this song is funny to me. It could have something to do with piano piece thrown in with a samba section. I would go so far as to say it is my favorite Zeppelin song.


“Simply irresistible” by Robert Palmer

Any of Robert Palmer’s hits could have taken this spot but this one is in a league of its own. Just the style of his songs make them cheesy enough. The lyrics however make it completely amazing. Basically, it is filled with as many adjectives as possible ending with “ible.” Permissible, irreversible, invincible, and so on. It kind of tells the story of a guy who loves a woman who manipulates people to get what she wants. Pretty standard right? I love every minute of it. Very few hit songs ever reach this level of cheese and it is glorious.


I do not recommend any of these songs unless you or your significant other have an appreciation for campiness. My favorite of all of them has to be “I would do anything for love” no question I love Meatloaf’s showy dramatic style. Some people merely roll their eyes at the sentiment. But for me, I love them all.