An experience with suicide

I tried to kill myself back in November.

I spent a week in the hospital after overdosing on Acetaminophen. Most of that week was spent on the behavioral health floor, where most stimuli was removed, and I was given a light set of clothes and a water bottle. I attended therapy groups multiple times a day and had daily appointments with my hospital-assigned psychiatrist. I was given a nightly prescription of Prozac, and when they felt I was no longer a danger to myself, they let me leave the hospital. The days after, I spent in a daze, easily overwhelmed by stimuli.

The weeks after were a pendulum. I was on Prozac for two weeks, and in that time, I stopped eating almost completely. After my next appointment, my psych doctor put me on Paxil, which I am still on. My appetite has doubled, and I’ve become terribly irritable. I’ve snapped at nearly all my friends and family, and I find it difficult to be around people for very long. I sleep almost all day because I’ve lost all energy, but, the Paxil works slightly. Despite the numerous symptoms, I’m told to stay on it, because it helps me at least a little bit everyday.

This is the hard road that I’ve been following, that I should’ve been following years ago. I’ve gone through most of high school with untreated major depression and anxiety, and it’s had a huge effect on my life. I’ve pushed friends and relationships away, I’ve failed classes, I’ve lost some of my religion, which used to be deeply important to me, and I’ve lost so much of the person I used to be. Depression has become my normal, and crawling my way out of this hole has been hell.

This is why it’s so important to realize when you need help. This is the reason everyone needs to sit down and think hard about themselves and everyone in their lives. You can rarely tell when someone is drowning, and it’s even harder to realize when you’re drowning yourself. Sit down and think about how you might be struggling in everyday life. Do you find motivation hard to come by? Are you isolating yourself often? These are only a few things to look for, but it’s not difficult to talk to someone, and to have a support network of people you trust and can talk to.

Our generation does not take mental health seriously enough, this includes myself. For years, I denied anything was wrong with me because I didn’t understand how many ways depression presents itself, and I joked about depression myself. It’s easy to find yourself making jokes about serious subjects to avoid how uncomfortable it is to confront such subjects. It’s a defense mechanism of sorts. Few seem to realize how much depression and suicide affects our generation, just because how much of a joke it is to us. I never realized how serious it was until I experienced it for myself, and that’s not something I’d want anyone to go through. I sincerely hope some people can come to terms with their health before it’s too late. No matter where you are in life, at the top of the world, or falling into an abyss, depression affects all of us. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a teacher, or even just a peer, there is someone in your life who is struggling and you can help them just by being there and encouraging them to seek professional help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and we as a generation consistently shame those who have to take medicine just to have some normalcy in their life. Joking about people killing themselves is cruel to those who struggle with suicidal ideations, and cruel in that it encourages others to joke about it.

So once more, I want everyone who reads this to sit for a while and consider all the ways depression affects your life, your community. Take just a few seconds to change your point of view. That small change in you causes a crack in the stigma of depression and suicide.